Romans 8:28

Ugh. It has been a while. I struggle with "teacher-blogging," because my little class is not always Pinterest-perfect. But oh well! Summer is here, and that means time to write. So excuse my wild tangents, but here we go.

Last night an old high school friend of mine showed up in my dream. I literally haven't seen this guy in probably 13 years. I always thought the world of him because he was so nice, even though I was just a mousy 8th grader. Through some unfortunate circumstances, he moved and I never knew what happened to him until a few years ago (thank you facebook!). Anyway, I said a little prayer when I woke up, thanking God that he had been able to chase his dreams and do wonderful things, despite what others had done to hurt him. Feeling a little self-righteous, I started to say amen, but then I felt that tickle in my heart. You know that "I'm-not-done-with-you-yet" stop and wait part? Yeah, I'm not so good with that part. So here I am, staring at the ceiling, and God pokes my heart and says, "What about the ones who hurt him?" My judgmental little heart said, "Oh no. Uh-uh! I don't care!" And more waiting..."Well, ok God, I hope you bless her and put someone in her life and all that Jesus-stuff, even though I don't like her..." I'm not feeling so proud of myself, anymore.  It has been a long time, but I still don't like mean people. Especially people who aren't unrepentant enough for me! But I don't like judgmental people either, and I am certainly wearing a black robe this morning! And seriously, I haven't seen these people in YEARS, God. I don't know if I would recognize them on the street, and if I did, it would probably be an awkward wave and that's all! I wait a little longer, still half-asleep. In fact, maybe I fell back asleep. (I once read that you should never be ashamed to fall asleep in your prayers, because what better place to sleep than in the arms of the Father. Isn't that a lovely thought?)
So after waking up and pondering more, I'm starting to get it. This was never about a dream, or the people in it, but my heart. I've had a hard, hard year. One of those where you have been so discouraged and disappointed it feels like physical exertion just to keep your head up. I've had AMAZING professional accolades, but I am going to be honest when I say that I just couldn't get it together, for most of the year. So I toughened up and tried to just "survive." Sounds like a good plan, except I have toughened up my heart, too. Isn't that just depressing? With a few days of summer behind me, I can't help but be mad at myself. I had another opportunity to let God work in my life, and I think I messed it up. But that's ok, because thankfully, He isn't finished. I will hold on to the promise of Romans 8:28. And although I need this summer, I am not going to promise next year will be better. I'm going to promise to hold tighter to Jesus, so I will be better. Oh Father, don't leave me like you found me!